Some of the physiological and cognitive manipulations of self-realization

I think my social behavior might be stemming from my physiological state. I stopped sleeping a long time ago, I take a lot of methylphenidate to stay awake and fall asleep every few days for about 4-6 hours in a random window. I do have some days when I sleep normally. However, I've noticed I have lost any and all wish to talk to people.

As a side note I don't believe in the existence of ADHD for majority of the population. I don't think it's a neurological condition - it purely stems from not having enough will power and perhaps motivation/fear to fulfill their responsibilities. I purely use it for the sake of being able to 10x, due to current circumstances of life. I do advocate for a state of mind that is untouched by any sort of stimulants, but that's a discussion for the future.

I take immense joy being in an almost delirious condition. There is a perfect mix of variables that doesn't interfere with my learning and technical performance, but fully blocks my social abilities.

I experience the perfect amount of discomfort to block myself from talking to anyone or thinking about anything other than my current task. However, I would like to pinpoint that in my case it's also results in an overstimulated cognitive state which gives me the ability to think in a more creative manner. For any technical problem this thinking has thus far proven to be performing quite well.

When the cognitive state becomes way too foggy - past the point of being manipulated by relatively moderate stimulants - there is an interesting window of falling asleep. Within that window for a minute or two my brain is experiencing a wide range of stimulation. Yielding a very interesting chain of thoughts right at the moment of the realization that the extreme state of pushing of the mind and body is coming to an end. which I would describe as an ecstatic state of creative expression, when the body is trying to shut itself down. The imagination goes wild, cognitive hallucinations, thoughts that have been stashed on the very back of the mind. It's a feeling that I can only describe as finding a private key that lets you decrypt the indexes of the books containing readable information in the library of babel in a sequence where each number is generated in such a way that it cannot be predicted better than by random chance. Being able to analyze this chain of thoughts is really fascinating. It helps you understand yourself better by pushing the boundaries of your mind.

If you believe in certain views of Peter Zapffe and are not scared to be burdened by self-realization it is important not to forget the process that your mind goes through after waking up.